Some of you may know that I experienced another miscarriage in March. I was 17 weeks.
Here is a photo of our little baby at our 15 week ultrasound, apparently healthy and kicking 🙂 Sadly, two weeks later, I learned she had passed away.
The private side of me wants to keep all this experience to myself. However, I have a strong conviction to share the story. It’s really been a bad-news/good-news situation.
Bad news: no baby, and all the second & third order effects from that loss. Good news: rich life-messages that cut straight to my heart. So here you have peek into my diary…a few of the thoughts. Just the good ones. (Nice and cleaned up. My actual journal is unreadable chicken-scratched thought-fragments, coffee and tear-stained.)
1. My former trials are my resources to deal with today’s trials. Heartaches from years ago have clearly become redeemed, because they prepared me to shoulder this. Those hardships laid today’s foundation of perspective and strength, and if nothing else, isn’t that evidence that the Romans 8:28 promise is true?
2. Some people chose to say nothing, presumably because they thought it was nicer. One thing I quickly learned about myself: I felt most consoled when people expressed their sympathies. Acknowledgement gives dignity to the grief, and it honors the life that was lost. I took it pretty hard when friends and family chose silence; I had to choose forgiveness with Proverbs 14:10 in mind. Has anyone preferred for people to say nothing? I am asking with honest sincerity. If ever I have been, I won’t be a nothing-sayer again. Proverbs 12:25 says “An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up. “ How. True.
3. Memorized scripture passages were invaluable. Often I am not near my Bible (and using my Bible app makes the kids think I am looking my phone constantly). Calling on memorized passages drowns out the confusion, the lies of fear, the “what ifs,” and the inner voices of discouragement and defeat. You can’t think two thoughts at the same time.
4. God is LOVE. Love is the beginning of the story of humanity. Love is why we were created. Love is also why we all cower at the pain (evil) around us–we are not wired to simply shrug it off. Here in the land of the living, Love ALWAYS costs grief. But take heart, Love has the last word, and one day everything sad will come untrue. John 16:33.
5. Among the many strong women surrounding me, there has been tremendous suffering. I am humbled.
6. The social media do not give me a soul-fix. It usually brought me a few steps back in my progress. Great tools, horrible therapy.
7. Caving to fear will keep me from experiencing life to the fullest.
8. The name Gabrielle means “God will strengthen.” Raphael means “God Heals.” When this came to me, I knew our baby was named. It was my confirmation that the Lord does know the unborn, that Psalm 139:14-16 is true. He knows.
9. The gift of fertility is not something to fear, take for granted, or dismiss. See it as an honor and an opportunity, don’t necessarily turn it down. After almost 8 years, my husband and I can already see the evidence that each of our children are prestigious Godsends. Granted, having (more) children requires a step of faith, because it feels safer to maintain the status quo. But you only live once, and though it’s a tireless adventure, we’re after the richest experience–which entails taking the good with the bad.
Thanks for letting me share these thoughts.